Sorry to hear of your situation Paul, I wish you the best of luck with your appeal and for the journey ahead.
Step by step and day by day, you will get there.
thanks jc, i try to stay positive, but after 9 years, it just keeps getting harder
i have anxiety that causes physical pain ranging from significant discomfort in a tightened stomach to my entire torso feeling like it's being crushed to my whole body aching so bad that a 20ft trip to the bathroom has me moving and feeling like a 90yr old man, i literally do not remember what life without this pain is like and there is no relief
on top of that, i spend most of the day in fear and terror, my mind is convinced that i'm in trouble or i did something wrong or there is danger or there's been loss, these feelings come and intensify with no warning at random times with no observable or measurable source, it gets scary because i can be terrified and know there's no reason to be scared, but my mind is telling there must be
something wrong because i'm feeling it
when i agreed to meds, they gave me some for my increasingly interrupted sleep, they didn't work and when i stopped taking them, my sleep quality was destroyed, i am unable to sleep longer than 2 hours consecutively for the last 6 years, i generally lay down in my bed for 7 hours, it takes about an hour to fall asleep and i wake up no less than 4 times a night, i can't remember the last time i slept 4 hours straight or woke up refreshed, i almost forgot the extreme irritability and hypersensitivity
anxiety fcuks up my sleep, lack of sleep creates tremendous fatigue and fosters hopelessness, all too often i have no interest in anything, food tastes horrible and movement feels like i'm 400lbs, and my brain races to reach catastrophic conclusions, so the smallest of things, like the store not having what i came for, seem devastating but it doesn't stop there
ever since i stopped the meds, i now have obsessive thoughts that pound away on me all day causing me to forget what i'm doing, the day, the time, what i've already done or am planning to do, it's like a roulette wheel, but instead of numbers, it's past regrets, current stress and future worries, every day the ball spins around looking for something to land on and BAM i struggle to think about anything else
sometimes it's annoying, other times it's overwhelming to where i have to stop what i'm doing and sit down, once in a while i get lucky and just have to listen to a song on repeat for a while, it affects my ability to concentrate and read, some days i can read fine, other days i need to start the page or paragraph over repeatedly and other days i see the words, understand them, but can't string the sentence together to understand the narrative, watching a movie is difficult, i stick to 30-minute comedy shows and stand up comedy where the material resets itself regualrly
society is convinced there is all kinds of help available, but when you don't have money, there really isn't, therapists will listen to you talk and doctors push drugs on you, the doctors i'm allowed to see have no knowledge of the drugs they push and are unwilling to have conversations about them, when i asked why i should take Prozac, i was told
"because it only $4 a month", when i pointed out that Prozac makes people suicidal and i already struggle with persistent suicidal thoughts, i'm resisting the process, i'm self-diagnosing
i tried meds against my better judgment, i was under pressure to keep a high paying job and the people i thought were my friends encouraged it, so not only did the meds fail, i got addicted to benzodiazepines, went through multiple, very scary withdrawals that lasted almost a year and when the smoke cleared, i still had all my old problems plus new ones
my cousins sent me to some "doctor" who milked them for money while having me do cognitive tests, i went to her for help with anxiety and depression and she had almost no knowledge of mental disorders, she barely talked to me and her only feedback was to volunteer at a retirement home, sit in a sauna and go swimming, i later found out her specialty is head injuries and pilot evaluations, one day she had me fill out some surveys, she canceled 2 appointments and when i showed up 6 weeks later, she called the cops on me for the answers i gave
a month and a half earlier, but none of the questions covered intent or planning
i explained to the cops that i do have suicidal thoughts, but i have no plan or immediate intention, that should've been the end of it, instead i was threatened, i was told i could submit to admitting myself or the cuffs would be thrown on me and i
"wouldn't like it", i get transported to a hospital where i'm locked in a cell, they take away my mp3 player, i just have to sit while one interrogator after another comes in looking for holes in my story, like a criminal suspect, i have to tell and retell things over and over while they look for cracks in the story, after 5 hours they let me go, the problem is, i'm 15 miles from home with no money, no phone and no numbers memorized to call
i later found out she isn't even a real doctor, she's a PhD and those are worse than MDs and MDs are worse than therapists, apparently, an affluent person can give a university a nice chunk of change and that gives them the right to lock people up, the way i was treated has me completely scared to share any of my thoughts, for some reason, no one acknowledges the meds didn't work and left me worse off
before meds, i would have fleeting suicidal thoughts, usually based around something stressful, but they would dissipate quickly, after the meds, i think about it
every day for no other reason than life is not fun for me and it hurts, there's no help, there's no cure, i have no kids, no friends and no family except for some cousins who have contempt for mental illness
i try to socialize, but people are so negative and if you don't have money, you're worthless, the scariest part is no matter how much i explain, how many details i give, people just refuse to accept it and cannot understand it, treatment-resistant mental disorders are a medically recognized phenomenon, but no one thinks that could apply to me, i'm just some guy who won't work and wants everything for free
i have no use, no value, nothing to offer or contribute by society's standards, i understand this and accept it, so it's hard to understand why my suffering is so important to people, my absence will disrupt nothing, but i'm told it's wrong to end this pain
i haven't been to a concert in 6 years and frankly, life is not worth living without live music
