Author Topic: So... tell us a joke!  (Read 13408 times)

Master Ray

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So... tell us a joke!
« on: October 25, 2015, 11:35:31 PM »

C'mon, you lot, let's get funny!  Crack a joke!

Right... some bloke goes to the doctors, has some tests done and returns a week later to find his doctor looking rather serious and grave...

The Doctor says 'I'm afraid I have some bad news. You are very ill and you are going to die.  In fact, you will die in 10...'

The bloke cuts him off and says '10?  What, months, weeks, days..?'

The Doctor sighs and says '10... 9... 8... 7... 6...'


Unruh

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Re: So... tell us a joke!
« Reply #1 on: October 26, 2015, 03:14:48 AM »
A magician gets a job on a cruise ship and every night he's scheduled to perform in a bar with a tropical theme. Part of the tropical scenery is an actual parrot. And this parrot takes special joy in ruining the magician's act. " The flowers are up his sleeve !"..."He's hanging from a wire !" Whatever the illusion may be, the parrot squawks the secret to it.
   Night after night the magician bombs because of this parrot and finally he snaps and says "That's it. Tonight that parrot dies !". Luckily he remembered to pack his handgun for this cruise and he has it under his cloak as he steps on stage. The parrot is looking at him eagerly, beak half-open and eager to ruin his act again. "Not tonight, damn you !" the magician yells and opens fire on the parrot. As it happens he misses the parrot but a series of regrettable ricochets and the bullet winds up in the ships boiler, blowing the entire ship sky-high.
    The magician finds himself rising to the surface, gasping and clinging to some debris. And the first thing he sees is the parrot  standing on another piece of debris. The parrot spins his head around a couple times and says "Ok you got me. Where's the ship ?"

Unruh

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Re: So... tell us a joke!
« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2015, 01:01:59 PM »
What do you brush your teeth with and sit on ? A toothbrush and a chair.

Unruh

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Re: So... tell us a joke!
« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2015, 02:12:52 PM »
A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink when a man staggers in from outside, sees him and suddenly bellows  "Hey buddy ! I screwed your Mom last night !"
The guy sips his drink and tries to ignore it.
The man yells "That's right pal ! Your Mom was really great in the sack !"
Sighing, the guy keeps staring dead ahead, determined to ignore the man.
But it's no use. The man is relentless. "Yeah, that's right ! She loved it so much I just may do her again tonight !"
Exasperated, the guy turns to the man and says "Dad, you're drunk. Why don't you just go home and sleep it off ?"

Wessexy Witch

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Re: So... tell us a joke!
« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2015, 02:25:19 PM »
eeeewwww !

 ;D
Whooosshhhh !!!

Wessexy Witch

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Re: So... tell us a joke!
« Reply #5 on: October 26, 2015, 02:26:06 PM »
What's brown and sticky ?




A stick !


classic !  :D
Whooosshhhh !!!

Rusco

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Re: So... tell us a joke!
« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2015, 05:44:11 PM »
I'm not good in telling jokes but there are enough funny and ridiculous things occurring in my life.

My working mates consider I'm weird because I'm vegetarian, I haven't been in the army, and I'm a fine artist. And I'm running the warehouse in our firm.

But these working mates I have are: a Scottish-Finnish-Swedish guy who has royal blood as well as to some ancient robbers. Then there's a 40 years old guy acting like a boss and narcissistic 17 years old  voodoo priest. There's also a guy looking like an all over tattooed bulldog who votes for the bourgeoisie party and still he considers himself a punk rocker. Oh, of course we also have an economical boss who has a wife from Panama and when he forgets his keys home and he's the last person leaving the house when the day is over he jumps out from the window to a 4 meters tall snow pile.
« Last Edit: October 26, 2015, 05:46:53 PM by Rusco »
A screaming comes across the sky

Unruh

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Re: So... tell us a joke!
« Reply #7 on: October 26, 2015, 07:02:37 PM »
Yes indeed. No need for you to tell jokes since you evidently work at one.

Coumarin

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Re: So... tell us a joke!
« Reply #8 on: October 26, 2015, 07:28:29 PM »
The man can't be paraphrased. So I will not even attempt to type his words. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Mr Dawson....on his favourite subject....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuFy3iCZ3x8

ihankyou
"Ruffling feathers" Founded 1971

Master Ray

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Re: So... tell us a joke!
« Reply #9 on: October 26, 2015, 08:19:28 PM »
Brilliant, Coumarin, loved Les Dawson as a kid.

'A public house of ill-repute'... sounds like this Forum is the internet version of that same thing!  ;D

Master Ray

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Re: So... tell us a joke!
« Reply #10 on: October 26, 2015, 10:04:04 PM »

OK, I know this one has been told before on this Forum...

Why does Sheldon Cooper not like New Model Army?

Because Justin was never much one for the great Big Bang Theory....

 ::)


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Master Ray

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Re: So... tell us a joke!
« Reply #12 on: October 26, 2015, 10:29:16 PM »
Cheers, Shush.


Coumarin

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Re: So... tell us a joke!
« Reply #13 on: October 26, 2015, 10:31:43 PM »
its been a barrel of fun on this joke filed Friday night. im joked out, as is my medication. so I will say goodnight
"Ruffling feathers" Founded 1971

Master Ray

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Re: So... tell us a joke!
« Reply #14 on: November 01, 2015, 11:45:21 PM »
Bit of a long one...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands: "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"