So... tell us a joke!

[Shush]

whatever you do, don't get a large W tattooed on each butt cheek.

WoW   that's painful

[Master Ray]

I'm a keen fisherman so I asked my rather deaf local tattoo artist to ink me with a pair of pollocks, my favourite North Atlantic marine fish...

I wasn't happy with the subsequent result.

[Coumarin]

Knock knock.....

................Come in .

Mr Cooper classic.

[Master Ray]

Why does cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

(oh, come on, that jokes legendairy...)

 

[cthulhu]

i recycle my trash even when i'm driving. cans go out the left window, bottles out of the right
muahahaha

[Master Ray]

I thought I'd tell you a brand new time travel joke... but you didn't like it.

[Bunny]

What do you call 100 solicitors at the bottom of the ocean?
A start.

[cthulhu]

Uncle Sam visits a psychiatrist. he lays on the couch an complains: "i have 1800 nuclear rockets, 283 battleships, 9400 airplanes and jet fighters...i spent more each year for military than the next 12 nations together. and though i spent more and more each year, i still feel unsafe."
"well, that's easy", says the psycho-therapeut "you have a military-industrial-komplex."

[Shush]

Went to a sea-food disco.

I pulled a muscle

 

[Master Ray]

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the light bulb and another to hold my penis....

....

LADDER!  I MEANT LADDER!

[Sheena]

What do you call 100 solicitors at the bottom of the ocean?
A start.

Haha! Thanks Drummyb 

[Master Ray]

I'm not saying I'm old or out of shape...

... but when my girlfriend whispered in my ear 'come upstairs and make love to me', I replied 'C'mon, love, it's one or the other...'

[Jonesy]

A wife is nagging her husband... 'If you come back from the pub pissed again we're over. Finished'.
So the man goes to the pub, (Surprise, surprise) gets totally shitfaced, falls over and spews on himself. He tells his friends what his wife had said earlier. They said....'Simple. Put a 20 pound note in your pocket. Say someone was sick on you and they gave £20 for the dry cleaning bill'.
So the man wanders home, gets in the front door and his wife is waiting. Obviously not happy.
'No love, it's not what you think! Someone was sick on me. Look, they gave me £20 for the dry cleaning bill'.
'Why have you got two £20 notes?'
'Oh, the other one is from the bloke who shat in my pants'.

[Master Ray]

OK, this joke is just awful in every sense of the word...



Me and the wife decided to do a bit of roleplay last night.  She said I could ask her to 'play' anyone.

Two minutes in, she flounced off in a huff.

Apparently, asking her to 'play' my stepdaughter wasn't on...   

[Master Ray]

I'm a policeman, a detective in fact.  Whilst investigating a crime scene, where a clue might lie in the victims record collection, I asked a PC 'Any prints?'

He responded 'Only Purple Rain and Sign 'O' The Times...'