So... tell us a joke!

[ldopas]

Ok I nicked some of these but here goes;

Joke 1 -

Man sees his next door neighbours little girl digging a hole.

Man: "What are you doing there sweetheart"
Little Girl: "Digging a hole to bury my pet goldfish"
Man: "Aw that's sad, but why are you digging such a big hole!?
Little Girl: "Because its inside your ******* cat"!

Joke 2 -
What happens when you remove the shell of a snail?
It just gets a lot more sluggish!

Joke 3 -
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.
I turned to the local tribesman and said "That lizards really funny!"
The tribesman replied "That's not a lizard.......... he's a stand up chameleon."

Joke 4 -
5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants, now they're tenants

Ok, ok I think Peter Kay is safe!!!!!! 

[Winterwulf]

That first one reminds me of a favourite of mine -

A little girl skips into a pet shop and asks the owner "Hello mister, do you sell little fluffy bunny wabbits?"
The owner, with heart melting, says "Of course, would you like a little brown rabbit, a little black rabbit, or a little white rabbit"
The little girl replied "I dont fink my pyfon gives a **** what colour they are!"

[Winterwulf]

If it hasn't been posted here before, I could add the Really Bad Christmas Joke that Rev Hammer came out with at a Red Sky Coven gig I was at many moons ago...

[Master Ray]

OK, this one is a bit evil...

Do you know that Catholics have something called a 'reverse exorcism'?

It's when the Devil tells the priest to get out of the child...

(look, I utterly hate organized religion, especially Catholicism, so I think an angry joke is valid...  )

[Master Ray]

Sad news, my girlfriend just dumped me.  She got upset when I told her she hade no sense of direction.

She was so upset that she packed her bags and right.

[Master Ray]

Last night I played Poker with Tarot cards.

I got a full house and four people died.

[ldopas]

Very good MR!

Ok........... They dont show The Flintstones in Saudi Arabia...........but Abu Dhabi do!

[Winterwulf]

As mentioned above, a bad Christmas joke courtesy of Rev Hammer...

In a galaxy far, far away it's Christmas Eve and Darth Vader is battling it out with Luke Skywalker.
<make your own light sabre noises here>
They break off for a moment and Vader says "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas!"
Luke just looks puzzled, then attacks again.
<more light sabre noises>
At the next pause, Vader says again "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas!".
Luke says "no you don't" and swings back into battle.
<yet more light sabre noises>
For a third time, Vader says "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas!"
This time Luke says, "all right smartarse, how come you know what I'm getting for Christmas?"
"Luke," says Vader "I have felt your presents"

[cthulhu]

As mentioned above, a bad Christmas joke courtesy of Rev Hammer...

In a galaxy far, far away it's Christmas Eve and Darth Vader is battling it out with Luke Skywalker.
<make your own light sabre noises here>
They break off for a moment and Vader says "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas!"
Luke just looks puzzled, then attacks again.
<more light sabre noises>
At the next pause, Vader says again "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas!".
Luke says "no you don't" and swings back into battle.
<yet more light sabre noises>
For a third time, Vader says "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas!"
This time Luke says, "all right smartarse, how come you know what I'm getting for Christmas?"
"Luke," says Vader "I have felt your presents"

[Winterwulf]

Another bad Christmas joke...

What do you call an obese messiah?

Christ the Lard.

[Shush]

A bloke walks into a bar

rubbing his head,,, who left that there?

[Master Ray]

My friend got me an elephant for my room.

I said 'Thanks!'

She said 'Don't mention it.'

[Master Ray]

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a little lake at the back that was plagued by people breaking in and using it for swimming despite warnings not to.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the lake as he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  Bloody intruders! He grabbed a bucket and headed on down.   As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his lake. He coughed to make the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end screeching in indignation as he told them that they were trespassing and politely asked them to leave.

One of the women shouted to him, "f*** off, you old perv, you just want to see us naked!  Dirty b****rd!'"

Ron smiled and held up the bucket.  " Ladies, I didn't come down here to watch you ladies naked, far from it... I'm just here to feed the crocodile..."

[Master Ray]

I just bought a new Bonnie Tyler satnav.  Not too happy with it.

It just keeps telling me to turn around...



... and every now and then it falls apart.

[Master Ray]

There is a zoo where a big gorilla is a favourite attraction... sadly, the gorilla passes away. The zoo don't have the money for a new gorilla so they hatch a plan to have one of their staff to dress up in a hugely realistic gorilla costume and a guy called Trevor is picked for the job.

Trevor doesn't like it much but he needs the job so he goes along with it. The public don't seem to notice and he grows to love the job, enjoying the attention and working out funny bits to keep the crowd entertained. No doubt about it, Trevor the Gorilla is a big hit.

In the cage next door is a ferocious lion. Trevor starts goading the lion which always goes down well with the crowd. He throws things into the lions cage, dances around to entice loud roars of anger and does everything he can to keep the crowd entertained. The more furious the lion gets the more the crowd love it.

Until one day, disaster! Trevor leans too hard against the barrier between his cage and the lions and it gives way, sending Trevor tumbling into the lions den. He lies there, winded, and the lion is upon him in a second, pressing him into the ground with a furious snarl. Trevor starts to scream and the lion opens its mouth and lowers its head...

... and whispers 'f***ing hell, Trevor, shut the f*** up or we BOTH get the sack'....