-
C'mon, you lot, let's get funny! Crack a joke!
Right... some bloke goes to the doctors, has some tests done and returns a week later to find his doctor looking rather serious and grave...
The Doctor says 'I'm afraid I have some bad news. You are very ill and you are going to die. In fact, you will die in 10...'
The bloke cuts him off and says '10? What, months, weeks, days..?'
The Doctor sighs and says '10... 9... 8... 7... 6...'
-
A magician gets a job on a cruise ship and every night he's scheduled to perform in a bar with a tropical theme. Part of the tropical scenery is an actual parrot. And this parrot takes special joy in ruining the magician's act. " The flowers are up his sleeve !"..."He's hanging from a wire !" Whatever the illusion may be, the parrot squawks the secret to it.
Night after night the magician bombs because of this parrot and finally he snaps and says "That's it. Tonight that parrot dies !". Luckily he remembered to pack his handgun for this cruise and he has it under his cloak as he steps on stage. The parrot is looking at him eagerly, beak half-open and eager to ruin his act again. "Not tonight, damn you !" the magician yells and opens fire on the parrot. As it happens he misses the parrot but a series of regrettable ricochets and the bullet winds up in the ships boiler, blowing the entire ship sky-high.
The magician finds himself rising to the surface, gasping and clinging to some debris. And the first thing he sees is the parrot standing on another piece of debris. The parrot spins his head around a couple times and says "Ok you got me. Where's the ship ?"
-
What do you brush your teeth with and sit on ? A toothbrush and a chair.
-
A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink when a man staggers in from outside, sees him and suddenly bellows "Hey buddy ! I screwed your Mom last night !"
The guy sips his drink and tries to ignore it.
The man yells "That's right pal ! Your Mom was really great in the sack !"
Sighing, the guy keeps staring dead ahead, determined to ignore the man.
But it's no use. The man is relentless. "Yeah, that's right ! She loved it so much I just may do her again tonight !"
Exasperated, the guy turns to the man and says "Dad, you're drunk. Why don't you just go home and sleep it off ?"
-
eeeewwww !
;D
-
What's brown and sticky ?
A stick !
classic ! :D
-
I'm not good in telling jokes but there are enough funny and ridiculous things occurring in my life.
My working mates consider I'm weird because I'm vegetarian, I haven't been in the army, and I'm a fine artist. And I'm running the warehouse in our firm.
But these working mates I have are: a Scottish-Finnish-Swedish guy who has royal blood as well as to some ancient robbers. Then there's a 40 years old guy acting like a boss and narcissistic 17 years old voodoo priest. There's also a guy looking like an all over tattooed bulldog who votes for the bourgeoisie party and still he considers himself a punk rocker. Oh, of course we also have an economical boss who has a wife from Panama and when he forgets his keys home and he's the last person leaving the house when the day is over he jumps out from the window to a 4 meters tall snow pile.
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Yes indeed. No need for you to tell jokes since you evidently work at one.
-
The man can't be paraphrased. So I will not even attempt to type his words. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Mr Dawson....on his favourite subject....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuFy3iCZ3x8
ihankyou
-
Brilliant, Coumarin, loved Les Dawson as a kid.
'A public house of ill-repute'... sounds like this Forum is the internet version of that same thing! ;D
-
OK, I know this one has been told before on this Forum...
Why does Sheldon Cooper not like New Model Army?
Because Justin was never much one for the great Big Bang Theory....
::)
-
retro
http://board.newmodelarmy.org/index.php?topic=7033.msg130693#msg130693
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Cheers, Shush.
-
its been a barrel of fun on this joke filed Friday night. im joked out, as is my medication. so I will say goodnight
-
Bit of a long one...
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands: "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
-
Bit of a long one...
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands: "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
Nice twist in there, made me chuckle. I had some dodgy school reports... threw them in the bin! said there won't be a report this time, teachers are on strike again.... Lazy fuckers me dad said.
-
Another old classic.....
Why does a dog lick his balls?.........Because he can.
-
OK, after a really long one, here's a very short joke...
A girl, whose never had sex with her boyfriend before, whispers 'Darling, I want our very first time together to be truly magical...'
So he shagged her, then disappeared.
Yeah, I know... :-\
-
Why did the punk cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chicken
-
And from my son's friend...
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
-
Wife says to her husband on his birthday "Tie me to the bed & do whatever you like." So he did.....
....and went fishing!!!
Zen
-
Mister Cooper, getting things right again!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc3u9bVV6s4
-
Mister Cooper, getting things right again!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc3u9bVV6s4
You ever seen that clip of Mr Cooper dropping dead, live on TV, whilst the audience laughed, thinking it was a joke? Such a disturbing clip...
-
Mister Cooper, getting things right again!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc3u9bVV6s4
You ever seen that clip of Mr Cooper dropping dead, live on TV, whilst the audience laughed, thinking it was a joke? Such a disturbing clip...
Yes, to be honest, if I was in the audience I would have reacted in the same way. Everything the man did on stage was to entertain and raise a laugh. you're right Ray in that it's disturbing, but that's the value of hindsight. Hey, at least he died doing what he enjoyed.
-
Aaaannnddd, just to get things back on a funny path... ;)
How do you know when there's a singer at your front door?
He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in...
An oldie, but goodie.
-
What sort of bees make milk ?
Boobies !
yeah, I know !
:D
-
Thats the first one her that I haven't heard before and made me laff ;D
-
2 Mexican men are stuck in the desert after crossing into the U.S.wandering aimlessly and starving.They are just about to lie down and await death,when all of a sudden Luis says
"Hey Pepe,do you smell what I smell?Ees bacon I think"
"Sure Luis,eet sure smell like bacon"
With renewed hope,they struggle up the next sand dune,and there in the distance is a tree loaded with bacon.There's raw bacon,fried bacon,back bacon,smoked bacon,every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe,Pepe,we are saved.Ees a bacon tree"
"Luis,maybe ees a meerage.We ees in the desert,don't forget"
"Pepe,since when did you hear of a meerage that smells of bacon?ees no meerage,ees a bacon tree"
And with that Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 metres,Pepe crawling close behind,when suddenly a machine gun opens up & Luis drops like a wet sock.Mortally wounded he warns Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe,go back man,you were right.Ees not a bacon tree"
Luis,Luis mi amigo,what ees it?
"Ees"
"Ees"
"Ees a ham bush"
-
::)
-
That made me laugh out loud, thanks
-
A bloke isn't feeling very well, so he goes to the doctors. After a thorough examination, the doctor stands away from him and frowns. The bloke says, "What's the matter with me then doc?"
The doctor frowns again and then says, "I'm afraid you've got yellow fever."
The bloke says, "Is that bad?"
The doctor says, "It's normally curable, but I'm afraid you have a very rare strain of it. It's called 'Yellow 665' and I'm sorry to have to tell you that you'll be dead in three days."
On his way home, the blokes mind is in a whirl. He can't stop thinking, "I've got 'Yellow 665', I've got 'Yellow 665'. Oh no, I'VE GOT 'YELLOW 665'"
He gets home and his wife says, "How's your day been?"
He says, "I went to the doctors. I've got 'Yellow 665', I'll be dead in three days!"
His wife says, "That's terrible. You need something to take your mind off that. Why don't you come to the bingo with me tonight?"
So later on they are at bingo. They play for four corners. The bloke wins it. Twenty quid. They play for a line. The bloke wins it. A hundred quid. They play full house. He wins again. One thousand pounds. They play for the national jackpot which hasn't been won for two years. He wins it. One hundred and four thousand pounds!
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and in front of a packed, cheering house says, "I just want to shake the hand of the luckiest man I've ever met."
The bloke looks at him and says, "
Me!? Lucky!? I've got 'Yellow 665'!!!"
And the bingo caller says,
"F#ck me! You've won the raffle as well!"
-
An old one apparently....
There is a field of bulls and a field of cows divided by a railway track. One day a train goes past. All the cows fall over, while the bulls only shake a bit. This happens everytime a train goes by.
One day, one of the cows who has been watching this, calls one of the bulls over.
"Excuse me" said the cow. " How is it that when a train goes by, we all fall over but you, being pretty much the same size, just shake a bit?"
"Thats easy" came the reply. "Everyone knows that We Bulls wobble, but they don't fall down".
Thank you. Im here all week. Well a bit. Do try the veal.
(Fairly confident that anyone under 40 wont get it lol)
-
An old one apparently....
There is a field of bulls and a field of cows divided by a railway track. One day a train goes past. All the cows fall over, while the bulls only shake a bit. This happens everytime a train goes by.
One day, one of the cows who has been watching this, calls one of the bulls over.
"Excuse me" said the cow. " How is it that when a train goes by, we all fall over but you, being pretty much the same size, just shake a bit?"
"Thats easy" came the reply. "Everyone knows that We Bulls wobble, but they don't fall down".
Thank you. Im here all week. Well a bit. Do try the veal.
(Fairly confident that anyone under 40 wont get it lol)
I get it. ;)
I never liked Weebles. Self-righteous little bastards.
:D
-
I only had one that I remember. Never quite sure what the point was!!
-
I got three;
"I've just deleted all the Germans I know off my phone, and now it's a Hans Free!" ;D
"A man has a pet snail, and he thought the shell on it's back was a bit heavy. So it could get around faster he took the shell off, but it didn't work. All it did was make it a lot more sluggish". ;D
"A caveman wanted to know where the sun came from. So he decided to sit up all night to see and then it dawned on him!" ;D
-
This thread is a welcome relief! Laughing out loud at Drummy B, MR and ldopas ;D
-
Bad feet run in my family
-
Two fish in a tank.
One says to the other, how do you drive this thing?
BOOM TISH
-
http://www.france24.com/en/20151125-human-error-us-strike-kunduz-hospital-msf-doctors-without-borders
-
http://www.france24.com/en/20151125-human-error-us-strike-kunduz-hospital-msf-doctors-without-borders
Er, wrong thread, pal?
-
Went and seen a fortune teller today.
He started laughing at me
So I punched him
I always like to strike a happy medium
-
http://www.france24.com/en/20151125-human-error-us-strike-kunduz-hospital-msf-doctors-without-borders
Sometimes reality is too much - and that "joke" isn`t a joke ...
-
I backed a horse today, it was twenty to one
...it finished at a quarter past two
Mr Cooper
-
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
-
Ain't heard some of these since school!
One me daughter keeps telling -
Why did the banana go to the doctors?
Because it wasn't peeling well
I still like -
A man walks into a bar - Ouch!
Two oranges walking down the road.
One says to the other "Where do you live mate"
To which the other answers "Fu*k me a talking orange"
-
My life. Now that's the biggest joke I know!
-
Seeing as it's Christmas, an oldie but goodie...
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
-
Santa - 'So what would you like for Christmas, little boy?'
Little Boy - 'I'd like a big dragon!'
Santa - 'I'm sorry, but that's impossible... would you like something LESS impossible?'
Little Boy - 'OK... I'd like for Liverpool to win the Premiership!'
Santa - (long pause) '... and what colour dragon would you like?'
-
M/R, for a football hater, that's quite good ;D
-
So sad today. My mate Gavin passed away after an accidental overdose of indigestion medicine.
I can't believe Gaviscon.
::)
-
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
(C'mon, I'm gonna keep posting this crap until someone comes up with something better... ;) )
-
A man works in a pickle factory for 30+ years and overtime develops an overwhelming urge to stick his prick in the pickle-slicer. realising this could go down badly with the management and have dire consequences for himself, he confides in his boss who tells him in no uncertain terms that if he sticks his prick in the pickle-slicer he will be fired.
one day the man arrives home early from work. when questioned by his wife as to his early home-coming the man tells her "i'm sorry darling. i gave in to my urge, stuck my prick in the pickle-slicer and got fired." his wife quickly whips his trousers down and says " your prick's ok -what about the pickle-slicer?" to which the man replies.....
...."she got fired too!"
-
Oh, you'll fit in just fine here, eastmidswhizzkid... ;)
-
When my wife left, I was confused and upset and lonely...
So I bought a motorcycle, shagged two women, got a cool huge tattoo and spent hundreds of £££s on drink and drugs...
I don't think she'll be very happy when she gets back from work.
-
An English cat, named One Two Three and a French cat, named Un Deux Trois, decided to have a swimming race across the Channel. The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
-
A police officer on traffic duty flags down a car.
“Sir, you appear to have 12 penguins in the back of your car.”
“That’s right, officer, I do.”
“Well that’s ridiculous – take them to the zoo straight away.”
“OK officer.”
And the car drives off.
Next day, the same policeman in the same spot sees the same car drive past – with the penguins in the back. He flags him down again.
“I thought I told you to take them to the zoo…”
“Yes, officer, and it was great – today I’m taking them to the cinema.”
-
Two dogs are walking along a street. They are passed by a third dog driving a lorry load of logs.
One turns to the other and says: “He started fetching a stick and built up the business from there.”
-
I admit I didn't understand the cat joke. But anyway Sheena, yea I've had funny times reading them. :D
-
I admit I didn't understand the cat joke. But anyway Sheena, yea I've had funny times reading them. :D
An English cat, named One Two Three and a French cat, named Un Deux Trois, decided to have a swimming race across the Channel. The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
It sounds like 'un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq' which is 'one, two, three, four, five' in French...
Anyway, I've thought up a new way to make some money... I'm going to start selling John Lennon memorabilia via E-Bay.
Imagine all the PayPal.
-
Hope the memorabilia selling is better than your jokes lol
-
whatever you do, don't get a large W tattooed on each butt cheek.
WoW that's painful
-
I'm a keen fisherman so I asked my rather deaf local tattoo artist to ink me with a pair of pollocks, my favourite North Atlantic marine fish...
I wasn't happy with the subsequent result.
-
Knock knock.....
................Come in .
Mr Cooper classic.
-
Why does cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
(oh, come on, that jokes legendairy...)
::)
-
i recycle my trash even when i'm driving. cans go out the left window, bottles out of the right
muahahaha
-
I thought I'd tell you a brand new time travel joke... but you didn't like it.
-
What do you call 100 solicitors at the bottom of the ocean?
A start.
-
Uncle Sam visits a psychiatrist. he lays on the couch an complains: "i have 1800 nuclear rockets, 283 battleships, 9400 airplanes and jet fighters...i spent more each year for military than the next 12 nations together. and though i spent more and more each year, i still feel unsafe."
"well, that's easy", says the psycho-therapeut "you have a military-industrial-komplex."
-
Went to a sea-food disco.
I pulled a muscle
::)
-
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the light bulb and another to hold my penis....
....
LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!
-
What do you call 100 solicitors at the bottom of the ocean?
A start.
Haha! Thanks Drummyb :)
-
I'm not saying I'm old or out of shape...
... but when my girlfriend whispered in my ear 'come upstairs and make love to me', I replied 'C'mon, love, it's one or the other...'
-
A wife is nagging her husband... 'If you come back from the pub pissed again we're over. Finished'.
So the man goes to the pub, (Surprise, surprise) gets totally shitfaced, falls over and spews on himself. He tells his friends what his wife had said earlier. They said....'Simple. Put a 20 pound note in your pocket. Say someone was sick on you and they gave £20 for the dry cleaning bill'.
So the man wanders home, gets in the front door and his wife is waiting. Obviously not happy.
'No love, it's not what you think! Someone was sick on me. Look, they gave me £20 for the dry cleaning bill'.
'Why have you got two £20 notes?'
'Oh, the other one is from the bloke who shat in my pants'.
-
OK, this joke is just awful in every sense of the word...
Me and the wife decided to do a bit of roleplay last night. She said I could ask her to 'play' anyone.
Two minutes in, she flounced off in a huff.
Apparently, asking her to 'play' my stepdaughter wasn't on... :-\
-
I'm a policeman, a detective in fact. Whilst investigating a crime scene, where a clue might lie in the victims record collection, I asked a PC 'Any prints?'
He responded 'Only Purple Rain and Sign 'O' The Times...'
::)
-
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide...
-
Why did the punk cross the road?
Stapled to the chicken...
-
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because the chicken had a rare day off.
-
Why did the woolly mammoth cross the road?
Because there weren't any chickens around in them days...
-
Why did the chicken with Tourettes Syndrome cross the road?
Because **** YOU, that's why!
-
Why did the chicken with Tourettes Syndrome cross the road?
Because **** YOU, that's why!
Okay, I can take a hint; no more chicken jokes... :P
-
Oh, so much has changed since my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, what a life changing experience...
My address, my phone number, the town I live in...
;)
-
Spent the day looking at a big house with period features.
She hates it when I call her that.
-
Spent the day looking at a big house with period features.
She hates it when I call her that.
Oh, LOVE that one! ;D
-
Well done to Tim Peake after his return to Earth after months in space...
... although the colleagues who greeted him back to earth missed a trick by not all wearing very realistic monkey masks...
-
Spent the day looking at a big house with period features.
She hates it when I call her that.
Oh, LOVE that one! ;D
Obviously aside from the overtly sexist connotations you mean...
-
Sorry, Viv, what can I say, it was a daft joke that made me laugh... and I think there's been far worse on this thread before...?
I don't think it's terribly misogynistic, just a play on words... but I hate to cause offence, so apologies.
-
Sorry, Viv, what can I say, it was a daft joke that made me laugh... and I think there's been far worse on this thread before...?
I don't think it's terribly misogynistic, just a play on words... but I hate to cause offence, so apologies.
Not sure what you need to apologize for MR I posted it.
I will refrain from such jokes in the future.
Anyway.
A pretty little girl named Suzy was sitting on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing “FREE KITTENS.”
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man. “Hi there little girl, I’m the leader of the Conservative Party, David Cameron, what do you have in the basket?” he asked.
“Kittens,” little Suzy said.
“How old are they?” asked Mr Cameron.
Suzy replied, “They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet.”
“And what kind of kittens are they?”
“They're REMAIN IN THE EU supporters,” answered Suzy with a sweet smile.
Mr Cameron was delighted, a golden opportunity beckoned.
As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the three of them agreed that they should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of “FREE KITTENS,” when Cameron’s motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, Channels 4, Channels 5, CNN and Sky News, cameras and the audio equipment were quickly set up, then Cameron got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
“Hello, again,” he said, “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away.”
“Yes sir,” Suzy said. “They're BREXIT supporters.”
Taken by surprise, David Cameron stammered, “But yesterday, you told me they were REMAIN IN THE EU SUPPORTERS.”
Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”
-
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees concert in Switzerland.
Then I saw her face..., now I'm in Geneva!
(http://i.imgur.com/62UJycV.gif)
-
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees concert in Switzerland.
Then I saw her face..., now I'm in Geneva!
(http://i.imgur.com/62UJycV.gif)
Ha !
:D
-
Spent the day looking at a big house with period features.
She hates it when I call her that.
Like it !
Not offended.
:)
-
There is a charity event in the local orphanage. In attendance are doctors, lawyers and catholic priests.
Half way through a raging fire breaks out!
The doctors shout."The children, we must save the children".
The lawyers shout "f**k the children!"
The priests say."Have we got time?"
-
OOOofff !
;D
-
My friend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public.
I said maybe.
(http://i.imgur.com/dF5eWVc.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/kLjuZHV.jpg)
Was just in Tesco, when the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags.
I thought, f##k me!, that started quicker than I expected.
-
How many long-bearded hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's an obscure number, I doubt you've heard of it...
-
How many long-bearded hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's an obscure number, I doubt you've heard of it...
Lol!
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. We are efficient and we don't have humour.
-
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions...
;)
-
How do you tell the sex of ants?
Girl ants drown and bouy-ants float :) :)
-
I can't deny that I like to sleep naked.
The ticket collector on the London to Manchester train could have been a bit more understanding.
-
A little girl walks into pet shop and asks, in with a cute little lisp, "Excuthe me mithter, do you sewl wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper kneels down to her level & asks "do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft & fuwwy bwack wabby,or maybe a wittle cute bwown wabby"
The girl leans forward and in a quiet voice says "i dont fink my pyfon gives a thit "
-
Ha !
;D
-
Never date anyone who plays tennis. Love means nothing to them.
-
those no bottom left in that barrels of jokes you have their raymundo
-
those no bottom left in that barrels of jokes you have their raymundo
No bottom? Oh, sir, you underestimate me! And so....
Here are three examples of a place where you should never propose to your lovely woman. 1, in front of her parents. 2, when you're naked after a big sex marathon. And 3, in a public place....
Or possibly 4... when you just did the three things I mentioned just now...
:D
-
1: why
2: rio influenced no doubt. i got better results using it as a means to end up naked after a marathon
3: another reason to keep phone boxes
4: what ya reckon?
-
The movie studio who made 'Groundhog Day' should announce a sequel to that brilliant movie...
... and once people have bought their tickets and sat down, they should just show them the original movie...
-
A friend of mine, eager to teach me how to cook, bought me a book called 'Road Kill Recipes'.
Read it and tried it after finding some road kill the other day. Delicious!
Not sure how to repair the bike, though...
-
Sam Allardyce :D ;D
-
A teenager goes out for a Saturday evening...
'Hey Mum, what do you think of my mini-skirt?'
'Take that off, RIGHT NOW, and put some underwear on!'
'Why, Mum?'
'Because your bollocks are showing, Dave...'
-
Ha !
;D
-
And The Lord said unto John and said 'Come forth and you will receive eternal life...'
But John came fifth and just got a fuckin' toaster.
-
A beautiful woman walks into a bar and orders 'a double entendre...'
So the barman gives her one.
-
A teenager goes out for a Saturday evening...
'Hey Mum, what do you think of my mini-skirt?'
'Take that off, RIGHT NOW, and put some underwear on!'
'Why, Mum?'
'Because your bollocks are showing, Dave...'
I just laughed so hard at that one! Brilliant.
-
I recently saw two seven-year-olds fighting outside the school nearby to where I live. Being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Poor little bastards, they didn't stand a chance...
:)
-
Walking home after a girls’ night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!” “That’s nothing,” says the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.'”
;D
-
OK, the Edinburgh Festival is supposed to be the absolute highpoint of UK comedy, a couple of hundred shows from the creme de la creme and the best of the best... and THIS is, according to several critically respected sources, the VERY best joke from the whole festival... hang onto your sides, guys, they may split... you ready?
"I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change."
...pause...
....longer pause...
*crickets and tumbleweeds*
As The Joker said in The Dark Knight... 'Jeez, and I thought MY jokes were bad...'
-
THIS is, according to several critically respected sources, the VERY best joke from the whole festival... hang onto your sides, guys, they may split... you ready?
"I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change."
That's the winner, huh? :-X
-
BUMP...
What's blind and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron...
(yup, I'm probably going to Hell for that one...)
-
BUMP...
What's blind and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron...
(yup, I'm probably going to Hell for that one...)
oooof! :o
-
Today, my neighbour came at me really aggressively (I thought she was going to hit me, she looked so mad!), screaming about if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
Honestly, I nearly shit her pants.
-
So... here's a new and totally terrible joke...
A female athlete goes to her doctor and says 'Doctor, I've been taking steroids and now I think I'm growing a penis!'
The doctor says 'Anabolic?'
The female athlete says 'Nope, just the penis...'
::)
-
Here's a similar but better girl-goes-to-doctor joke.
Girl goes to doctor. "Doc, these hormone pills you're giving me, I think they're the wrong kind. I now have hair on my chest."
"Oh, that's OK. How far does it go down?"
"All the way to my balls!"
-
I prefer the first of the two. Good word play. "Carry On" style .
-
I prefer the first of the two. Good word play. "Carry On" style .
.
The first of the two jokes above is not good. The humor all depends upon the listener knowing the word "anabolic." That's not good comedy. Honestly, how many people know the word "anabolic"? It's a poor joke. To be honest I still have trouble figuring out the connection between "anabolic" and the supposed punchline "nope, just the penis." It's bad comedy.
On the other hand, the second joke fits all the criteria of great comedy:
- it's quick and to the point
- it relies on language that all can understand
- it offers the classic comedy convention of "not what you expected"
- it's sufficiently crude, but not offensive
Joke 1 above was unfunny. No other way to put it.
Joke 2 above is great comedy.
Do you want proof? Over the next few days hit people with those two jokes. I guarantee you the second will get the great laughs. (I know you won't try that little experiment because you don't want to accept that Whirlwind is right.)
-
In that case you'll probably not appreciate the one about the Swede who found he'd forgotten to pack his wash kit on a trip to England. In the hotel shop he asked for deodorant.
"Certainly sir", said the man behind the counter. "Ball or aerosol"?
"No, it's for my armpit", answered the Swede.
-
"Ball or aerosol"?
"No, it's for my armpit", answered the Swede.
.
Once again, unfunny.
Exactly how does "aerosol" imply anything? "Ball" does and the joke might have worked with just that. But "aerosol"? Unfunny joke.
Once again, try these three jokes on anybody. I 100% guarantee you that mine will get the laughs while the other two jokes will get that polite smile that people give when they don't want to be rude and flat out say "Boy, that wasn't funny at all."
-
Perhaps we need an audio visual aid..
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=d6IBiR9m3vY
Enjoy ;)
-
Perhaps we need an audio visual aid..
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=d6IBiR9m3vY
Enjoy ;)
.
Uhh, read the fifth comment below that youtube video. Well, no need to, here's what it says:
"I didn't get the joke either. I had no idea "ball" and "aerosol" referred to different kinds of deodorant"
I rest my case.
Once again, try my joke and that joke. Mine will get the big laughs.
-
"Ball or aerosol"?
"No, it's for my armpit", answered the Swede.
.
Once again, unfunny.
Exactly how does "aerosol" imply anything? "Ball" does and the joke might have worked with just that. But "aerosol"? Unfunny joke.
Once again, try these three jokes on anybody. I 100% guarantee you that mine will get the laughs while the other two jokes will get that polite smile that people give when they don't want to be rude and flat out say "Boy, that wasn't funny at all."
You don't get that aerosol sounds like asshole? Perhaps English postcard humour isn't known to you.
As the youtube clip shows from the Not The Nine O'Clock News has a stream of people who did get that joke.
Interesting though you try and define why something isn't funny. You can't do that, as something that is unfunny to you will be funny to others.
-
Do you want proof? Over the next few days hit people with those two jokes. I guarantee you the second will get the great laughs. (I know you won't try that little experiment because you don't want to accept that Whirlwind is right.)
I think it is more a case that you can never accept that you are wrong. Space there is no way to prove a joke is funnier than another unless you asked every person in the world and took a vote. You state yours is funnier simply because you find it funnier. That is your opinion, not fact -- a bridge you have crossed on this forum many times before on other issues. Your joke is simple and requires no thought. I like word play jokes as you process the punch line in to get the gag. I agree some such jokes maybe more local than others, some words we here have others do not have. I do not believe the Americans have bollocks. Word play jokes are fun to process. Here is another you will not get --
Nelson was 5ft 6ins tall. His statue in Trafalger Square is 17ft 4ins high. That’s Horacio of 3:1
-
Nice one, Shush. Can I follow with...
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer. The performer notices the four men have a bad view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"
;)
-
You don't get that aerosol sounds like asshole?
.
Uh, no. I am American we speak American. Over here we say ass...over there you say arse. Perhaps that's why aerosol sounds like arsehole. Regardless, the joke is still unfunny. I listed reasons above why mine is far better. Why don't you folks list reasons why the aerosol joke is funny.
I bet you can't do it.
One other thing. This bad jokes all started with Master Ray. Has he ever exhibited a sense of humor at this place? No. I have a greatest hits for comedy here. (Just search for my lyrics to "Caslen)I bring humor here. Master Ray brings bad jokes.
-
Look what I found:
http://board.newmodelarmy.org/index.php?topic=8682.0 (http://board.newmodelarmy.org/index.php?topic=8682.0)
And please scroll through the responses. All praise my humor.
Oh, and definitely check out the fifth response:
"That genuinely made me laugh....Kudos"
That's from Master Ray.
;D
I may not be Space in the humor department, but I appreciate the humor and fun Space brought to this forum. Me and this guy Space are almost like brothers or something. I hope to meet him one day. I bet he is as good-looking as he is intelligent and funny.
-
You don't get that aerosol sounds like asshole?
.
Uh, no. I am American we speak American. Over here we say ass...over there you say arse. Perhaps that's why aerosol sounds like arsehole. Regardless, the joke is still unfunny. I listed reasons above why mine is far better. Why don't you folks list reasons why the aerosol joke is funny.
I bet you can't do it.
One other thing. This bad jokes all started with Master Ray. Has he ever exhibited a sense of humor at this place? No. I have a greatest hits for comedy here. (Just search for my lyrics to "Caslen)I bring humor here. Master Ray brings bad jokes.
Unfunny TO YOU. You need to add that or you look closed minded.
You ask "Why don't you folks list reasons why the aerosol joke is funny." Erm I just did in the previous email. It's a play on words that you don't understand because you warp arse into ass. You prefer to call someones arse the word for a Donkey. I can't help you with that. So I take your bet and expect your payment.
Oh and Master Ray is funnier any day.
-
Oh and Master Ray is funnier any day.
.
Really? This is what he PM'd me once:
'**** off and die'
Hilarious. Real great comedy. Such a fun pleasant person.
-
Unbelievable. I cannot accept that you have the nerve to quote a past comment to make yourself the victim of abuse on this forum. Space in the past you have made personal offensive comments to me, Pol, Master Ray, Red, Anna, Amandastan, to name just a few. You have invaded and ruined numerous otherwise interesting topics on this forum and ruined them with your bullshit. Your behavior so bad that you are one of only a handful of people ever to have been banned from this forum. Once you made a big apology explaining why you were the person you are and that things would change. They did not and finally you were thrown out of this party, only to sneak in through the back door with the name Whirlwind.
Anyone new to this, here is something this "victim" said to a member here in the past ---
"Hey, zero, I see your mommy won out. She raised you to be a little girl and your daddy just sat there and cried when he saw how you turned out. Seriously, are you a 14 year old little girl? Man, your kind make me sick. Time for you to apologize to your dad for turning out to be such a pathetic zero.
Consider yourself lucky that somebody like me even talks to a nobody like you... you have proven that you are a first class schmuck and a nobody in life... You are so far beneath me... I have far more respect for an insect... your kind sickens me...
I see you wrote me a private message. I didn't read a word of it. I'm laughing so hard that I made you waste your time. But then a true nobody like you wastes time every single useless minute of your life."
-
Oh and Master Ray is funnier any day.
.
Really? This is what he PM'd me once:
'**** off and die'
Hilarious. Real great comedy. Such a fun pleasant person.
As I understand it, neither of you were complimentary about each other behind the forum. Hence the reason he doesnt reply to you, despite your prodding. Of course, Ill stick up for him cos he's a mate and he's a decent bloke but Im not naive enough to think harsh words havent been said from his side either. Likewise youre no angel . This thread has stopped being funny, if its going to turn into bickering about who's funnier than who. Who decides anyway?
Me however, Im bloody hilarious. To look at.
-
(https://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-and-shush.png)
-
Best clean joke on Earth:
Where does a General keep his armies?
In his sleeve-ies.
-
A short and a sad one (not translation):
Treffen sich zwei Jäger - beide tot ....
:(
-
Well, this threads gone a bit 'fook-a-doodle-doo' hasn't it? ::)
So I started this thread, so allow me to retort, as Samuel L Jackson once said...
I've tried, over and over again, to get along with Space. Yes, I've fought with him (Bunny, my FOAD comment that he brought up... well, I rarely get that angry and would certainly never post something like that in a casual fashion, he must have said something bad...) and when he came back from his 'permanent banning', I did my best to forget the nastiness that he sent, to myself and others. Honestly, I tried. It's all out there, feel free to go back over old threads, like he did to find little scraps from years ago that he can use on new threads, often taken out of context. And yet here we are again.... Space posting crap on a Forum that is notoriously welcoming for newbies. :-\
IMHO, he's like some guy who walks into a room, farts loudly, wafts it around and walks out smirking... : He has no respect for the people here, no respect for the band and no respect for Viv. I remember the days when Viv was so annoyed with the way things were going... and Space wants to revisit these days.
As a sidenote, I genuinely don't understand why he is so desperate for communication with me. So many little digs and snotty comments! Space, give it up! Sweetie, to use an expression from 'chick-lit'... I'm not just that into you! You wanna communicate with others here, fine! Hope you have fun! But, please, stop with the digs. I have utterly no interest in you (and I can't understand your interest in me, truly)... it's just embarrassing now. :-[
So there we go.
-
Well, they say you know you have made it when you have a stalker !?! ::)
Space, I do not know where you got that "keep calm" from, but I love it. I have forwarded it to my brother who also has the same nick-name and he loved it ;)
-
Well, this threads gone a bit 'fook-a-doodle-doo' hasn't it? ::)
So I started this thread, so allow me to retort, as Samuel L Jackson once said...
I've tried, over and over again, to get along with Space. Yes, I've fought with him (Bunny, my FOAD comment that he brought up... well, I rarely get that angry and would certainly never post something like that in a casual fashion, he must have said something bad...) and when he came back from his 'permanent banning', I did my best to forget the nastiness that he sent, to myself and others. Honestly, I tried. It's all out there, feel free to go back over old threads, like he did to find little scraps from years ago that he can use on new threads, often taken out of context. And yet here we are again.... Space posting crap on a Forum that is notoriously welcoming for newbies. :-\
IMHO, he's like some guy who walks into a room, farts loudly, wafts it around and walks out smirking... : He has no respect for the people here, no respect for the band and no respect for Viv. I remember the days when Viv was so annoyed with the way things were going... and Space wants to revisit these days.
As a sidenote, I genuinely don't understand why he is so desperate for communication with me. So many little digs and snotty comments! Space, give it up! Sweetie, to use an expression from 'chick-lit'... I'm not just that into you! You wanna communicate with others here, fine! Hope you have fun! But, please, stop with the digs. I have utterly no interest in you (and I can't understand your interest in me, truly)... it's just embarrassing now. :-[
So there we go.
Ill pm you mate
-
Space, I do not know where you got that "keep calm" from, but I love it. I have forwarded it to my brother who also has the same nick-name and he loved it ;)
You are welcome. Enjoy it.
And why do you say "Space"? I am Whirlwind.
-
On a lighter note................A man walks into a bar.....OUCH....an Iron Bar..... ;D
-
Space, I do not know where you got that "keep calm" from, but I love it. I have forwarded it to my brother who also has the same nick-name and he loved it ;)
You are welcome. Enjoy it.
And why do you say "Space"? I am Whirlwind.
Whatever moniker you decide to have you'll ALWAYS be Space to us
We know your games and to be honest we're sick of them
Any chance of a New Years resolution and you could actually be civil to EVERYONE on this forum for the rest of your time on here, however long it lasts?
We can but hope :)
-
Space, I do not know where you got that "keep calm" from, but I love it. I have forwarded it to my brother who also has the same nick-name and he loved it ;)
You are welcome. Enjoy it.
And why do you say "Space"? I am Whirlwind.
Dude. If you're going to post bullshit, at least keep a track of it. You owned up to being 'Space' a few weeks ago.
::)
-
Dude. If you're going to post bullshit, at least keep a track of it. You owned up to being 'Space' a few weeks ago.
.
I enjoy this place talking about NMA or sharing a great joke, while you seem to want to always have a go at me. You always respond to my posts even though they are not directed at you. Why? I do not know. Please stop.
-
Dude. If you're going to post bullshit, at least keep a track of it. You owned up to being 'Space' a few weeks ago.
.
I enjoy this place talking about NMA or sharing a great joke, while you seem to want to always have a go at me. You always respond to my posts even though they are not directed at you. Why? I do not know. Please stop.
Jeez... I don't even know where to go with this one. ::)
-
Perhaps we need an audio visual aid.. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=d6IBiR9m3vY
Nelson was 5ft 6ins tall. His statue in Trafalger Square is 17ft 4ins high. That’s Horacio of 3:1
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer. The performer notices the four men have a bad view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes", "Oui", "Sí", "Ja."
Personally, I really loved these jokes! :)
-
Oh and Master Ray is funnier any day.
.
Really? This is what he PM'd me once:
'**** off and die'
Hilarious. Real great comedy. Such a fun pleasant person.
If he did indeed send that, and I only have your side for it I'll wait till MR confirms. Then knowing him through this board the provocation to get to that point must have been unbelievable.
-
Space, I do not know where you got that "keep calm" from, but I love it. I have forwarded it to my brother who also has the same nick-name and he loved it ;)
You are welcome. Enjoy it.
And why do you say "Space"? I am Whirlwind.
Dude. If you're going to post bullshit, at least keep a track of it. You owned up to being 'Space' a few weeks ago.
::)
Sorry MR, I feel I probably exacerbated this with my reply to Spac, sorry Whirlwind.
-
Oh and Master Ray is funnier any day.
.
Really? This is what he PM'd me once:
'**** off and die'
Hilarious. Real great comedy. Such a fun pleasant person.
If he did indeed send that, and I only have your side for it I'll wait till MR confirms. Then knowing him through this board the provocation to get to that point must have been unbelievable.
Yup I said that, I think. Can't quite remember why, but, as you said, I rarely get THAT angry. I don't remember myself being so furious with anyone else on this thread.
But hey, here we are again, back in The Space Days. I thought they were gone. Guess not. :-[
-
What is black and is stuck to a ceiling? A not very good electrician.
-
Today a customer asked me: " do you know why women have no need for umbrellas?"
I said of course: "no!"
"It's because it never rains on the way from the bedroom to the kitchen."
-
cthulhu, here's another one like that joke:
Why doesn't a woman need a watch?
Because there's a clock on every stove.
-
Iron Man is a super hero
Iron Woman is a command
And before i am accused of being sexist i am NOT this line was spoken by the guitarist/vocalist of one of my favourite all time bands.............he did later apologise after the stick he rightfully got.... :-[
-
And before i am accused of being sexist
i hope we can stay a little "not-pc" all the time here. these jokes i found harmless. though they just show stereotypes, i can laugh about them.
-
i hope we can stay a little "not-pc" all the time here. these jokes i found harmless. though they just show stereotypes, i can laugh about them.
.
Yeah, comedy is about pushing boundaries.
Would I tell a racist joke amongst people I do not know? Of course not. That would just be flat out rude. But I and most Americans grew up watching the legendary TV show "All In The Family" or Richard Pryor comedy shows and racist jokes/remarks were the norm and incredibly funny.
British humor I've noticed doesn't really get involved in race. Here in America, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, "Saturday Night Live," "Def Jam Comedy Hour"...race jokes were the norm. All races got skewered and nobody minded.
-
Ok, before I have to get extremely annoyed with someone this trend towards sexist jokes stops now. This noticeboard is inclusive of everyone and disrespectful, sexist, racist, xenophobic or any other form of intolerance will be called out for what it is.
If you think this is a problem, if you want to push boundaries, if you think there is no harm in un-pc jokes, then I suggest you kindly seek your thrills elsewhere because this is not the board for you.
You can howl at me as much as you want, but civility and respect will be shown to everyone here. Is this clear? Is anyone uncertain of this board's policy?
-
I apologize, i didn't mean to annoy anybody.
Please let me explain, that when i said un-pc i was also referring to something like "burn the castle", the lyrics of the song are not completely pc, as i understand the meaning of politically correct, and it is good that it isn't.
i didn't want to push any boundaries here, i just reported a "joke" that was told to me by a customer and i laughed, more about the situation, than the true wit of it.
so again, i'm sorry if that violated the board's policy.
It won't happen again.
:-[
-
Good call, Vivian.
Though we may laugh at all humor, all humor is not suitable on a public forum.
-
Just started blindfolded archery, best thing I've ever done, if you've not tried it. You don't know what your missing.
-
My musical knowledge is now so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.
-
'Wow, honey, I'm so proud! I never thought we'd see our son go so far!'
'Yes, darling! Our new catapult is amazing! Grab our daughter!'
-
Years ago I met Bruce Lee's vegan brother
Brocco
-
A couple have a baby boy but, to their shock, he is born with only a head. Perfectly functional, perfectly alive, totally conscious, but just a head. They say to the doctor 'Is there anything we can do? Is the science available to have a body attached to our darling son, so he might live a full and normal life?'
The doctor says 'No, not right now. Science is not yet that developed. Maybe in a decade or two? The best advice I can offer is to take your son home, love him, cherish him (even if he is just but a head) and who knows?'
So the couple take their new son (who they named 'Ed') home and raise him and love him, even though he's just a head. It's not the easiest life for them all, but they get by.
Eighteen years later, (on Eds birthday) the Doctor calls back. 'Hi, guess what? The science is now available! We can give your son a fully functioning body! Bring him over here as soon as possible!'
The parents weep with joy and go into Eds bedroom, where he is propped up on a pillow, and say the following words...
'Son... you're 18 now. And we are so, so happy to tell you that we can offer you the greatest present you could imagine, something you've been wishing for the whole of your life...'
And Ed says 'Oh Christ... not another fuckin' hat....'
-
dude that was lame
-
Ah, most of my jokes are lame... makes me chuckle, though. ;)
-
Well, i wouldn't say it was lame but it had some kind of timing problems;-) timing is everything, so here is a short one:
Barkeeper: I’m sorry, we never serve time travelers.
-
A time traveler walks into a bar.
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/1Xrv2n4x/machine-learning-captcha.png)
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/FHRTCK4q/screen-time.png)
-
I just bought a thesaurus.
It's great, there's no other word for it.
-
Two IT-Guys meet:
"How big is the loss for the EU due to the Brexit?"
" It is 1 GB "
muahaha..;-)
-
Feeling a bit sad today. My mate died of a seizure.
One thing that consoles me is that his last act was to give me his Epi-Pen. It was precious to him and it seemed really important to me that I had it.
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/1zYRFmpM/mrz031720-color-1-3mb-orig.jpg)
-
Two wind turbines standing in a field.
One says to the other " so what kind of music are you into "
Other replies " I'm a big metal fan "
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/xT9HyvZ8/ETy-FLUUWo-AAooc-R.jpg)
-
(https://i.postimg.cc/y6mcZQv2/ETDyw-O3-XYAEJFla.jpg)
-
So prince Charles is at home with covid 19
Whilst prince Andrew is at home with stacey 14
-
;D ;D ;D...
-
Two wind turbines standing in a field.
One says to the other " so what kind of music are you into "
Other replies " I'm a big metal fan "
;D
love it !
-
For those of you without Facebook:
Teacher: Ok Sally, what's your sentence with the word contagious in it?
Sally: Our neigbour is painting his house with a two inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious.
-
For those of you without Facebook:
Teacher: Ok Sally, what's your sentence with the word contagious in it?
Sally: Our neigbour is painting his house with a two inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious.
;D ;D ;D ;D
yes !
-
I don't understand people anymore.
You donate a kidney, people think you're a legend, a true saint and lifesaver. Just a wonderful human being.
You donate seven kidneys...well, then there's screaming, running, the police get involved... ::)
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I don't understand people anymore.
You donate a kidney, people think you're a legend, a true saint and lifesaver. Just a wonderful human being.
You donate seven kidneys...well, then there's screaming, running, the police get involved... ::)
;D Like that !
-
Dad-joke I read somewhere... :
- Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
- What? No! How come?
- It runs in your jeans.
-
I was out digging a hole in a nearby field recently and I came across a bunch of coins, proper GOLD Roman coins, a stash that is probably worth many thousands of pounds!
I couldn't wait to go home and tell the missus!
And then I remembered why I was digging that hole.