Does anyone hate family holidays?

[Amandistan]

I know that myself and good bit of others hate Xmas or any other holidays when they are obligated to see family. For different reasons of course.

I can only speak from personal experience but it's like emotional torture for me. I am never good enough for them and they remind me that the whole time. They give me hell especially for being single and for me life-style choices. I will never live up to their expectations and it will always hurt. If I don't come they basically make me feel like a monster for the entire year. They basically rip me apart and focus on all my faults. I am not feminine enough,not rich enough, not confident enough, not as good as my cousins, Your goals are stupid, Girls can't do that, etc. etc.

 I have seen families that are supportive and do not do this. However there are also those like mine who are defeating.

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Please tell me that I am not alone in this.

[Master Ray]

******* hell, A... that sounds so bad and my heart breaks for you.

I'm afraid I can't post you an equivalent message... I have very little family, no brothers or sisters, one little neice from a stepbrother... but they're pretty cool.

What I have to offer you is that 'blood', IMO, means ****-all.  My Mum was a teenager in the late 60's and got knocked up by some asshole... they got married (because that's what you had to do back then) and, six months later, the cnut fucked off and nobody seen him since... he never paid a penny to support me or my Mum.  ******* bastard...

So many people over the years have asked me 'don't you want to find your Dad'?   

Nope, I wouldn't cross the street to meet the ******* twot.   

And if your family upsets you so much, then **** 'em.  Find others who will put a spring in your step and a bloom in your heart.  A silly Forum like this isn't much, but it's a start.  Time alone is better than time with people who hurt you.  If they want you, they can come back on YOUR terms... who knows, they might regret what they've said to you?

IMO anyway... be well, A.

[jc]

I've read some pretty amazing messages of support for you from your family during 'the troubles' earlier this year in that other place Amanda.

Cheers

jc

[Rusco]

Oh, that kind of Christmas doesn't sound nice.

I had a bit similar things with my father a long, long time ago, when I was single. Later on when I found my wife it changed everything. It's strange how it affects so much.

Once when I had some argy bargy with my father I cut my relations with him totally for half year. He even didn't know where I (we) was living at the time. That made our relations better, once I answered the telephone again. He's nowadays an old man and think he would forgive all the worst things he ever did.

[Bunny]

I aint spoke to my dad in 9 years. That came about because Id spent my entire life trying to keep him happy or gain acceptance. Once I saw him pull the same stunts across my son, I realised it wasnt worth the worry and emotional hardship. Once I cut the ties, it was a huge weight lifted.

Amanda if it makes you unhappy, don't do it.

[Shush]

I think forums are all the better for a counter view point, so here's mine.

Parenting is not easy, I doubt anyone gets it completely right, and those that try to, often never feel they have ever done enough. Parenting does not come with evening classes, or a set of exams you have to pass. Most parents just do the best they can.

Clearly your parents love you and want what they believe is best for you. I have to say, your list of concerns read like a Teenager going through "growing pains". Most parents want for their children what they believe is best for them. In most cases this they believe to be things like security, wealth, stability, and enough of such things to last you into your older years. Do your parents remind you of these things to intentionally hurt you, or because they care for your future and long term stability, and think themselves to be offering guidance and advice,  but are just not experts in expressing themselves to you, and comes  across as cynical.  Perhaps next time they are getting on to you, you should remind yourself they are doing so because they care about you. Otherwise, they would not be interested in whatever choices you make. Your parents may respect your choices more if they believed they were better for you long term security. They might respect a decision to save long term to put a deposit on your own place, but less enthusiastic about you spending a fortune following a Band across Europe.

If you are lucky enough to have parents that  love you, then I believe you should spend Xmas day with them, even if it is for just their pleasure and not yours. Its only one day a year !! I am sure they would be very hurt if you chose not to. I have two grown up sons who as adults can do as they please. I would be devastated if they chose not to spend Xmas with me and their Mother.

Parenting is not an exact science. Sometimes its all plain sailing, other times it like pushing a barrow up a hill that is  stoney.

[Amandistan]

They are not always unsupportive  but i still can't live up to their expectations. Most noticeably my dads's or grandmother's

[Pol]

You should try telling them how you feel Amanda.
As a parent of two daughters im with shush on this. Its certainly not easy.

[Anna Woman von NRW]

No two families have the same dynamics and individual personalities so it's quite difficult to be anything but broadbrush.

Other posters had put forward the parent perspective and I agree that you should try and put yourself in their shoes if you can . Understanding where someone else is coming from can really help to resolve a situation.

Equally your family need to try and see things from your position and to realise that you are your own person and not a mini them.

Sometimes people can become very entrenched without realising it and a different angle of vision can show a new path.  As does talking - you ain't gonna get anywhere with this unless it's openly discussed. You're a grown independent adult Amanda as are they and whilst you will always be their child and they your parents, this relationship changes over the years as must the attitudes of the people involved. Sometimes we have to re-appraise things. You may resolve the issues and move your family relationships forward or it may be that you back off and move away from them. It's that or the status quo isn't it?

Before you do make a move though, step back and consider if it really is that bad? In the grand scheme of things some people may well feel that an overbearing family is a nice problem to have seeing as they have no-one in the world at all to worry about them. Not having a dig at all just thinking that maybe a bit of checking perspective might be a good idea.