I used to have favourites but then I couldn't listen to any. We had tickets for every night for NOATV, it was my birthday weekend, but I ended up in hospital after an overdose and we couldn't go. NMA became a 'thing', a permanent reminder of where I went to that night, it was just so painful. No gigs, no nothing. I've just put on Eight, the first time I've listened to a single song since then. Honestly, I'm in floods. If I manage to get myself to the Melkweg or Nottingham, every single song will have a personal meaning. Every single one.
Dear Mawsley,
Your story resonates quite deeply with me, as well. I went through something similar, 'round the turn of the millennium. It was, to date, the darkest period of my life. Mine though, was intentional - an attempt on my own life, and the 6th one at that. I've had suicidal tendencies since I was a very young child, 5 or so years old. For me, the trigger has always been change... I don't do well with huge changes in my life, be they positive OR negative. I don't know why or what it is about me or change itself, but they've just always marked and proven to be the darkest periods in my life. Out of the 6 attempts I've only been hospitalised twice, once in early adolescence, and the last one in my late 20's. Three of the attempts were kept secret from the ones I love, they were while I was still in very early childhood. I am paying price for the ones I kept secret now, because I have health issues today, that are linked to those very early attempts. I also come from a very abusive background, which was another serious factor, especially during my very early childhood years.
I got better via seeking professional help, being medicated and the love of honest, good folk. It took me a very long time to find the right professional. I think that's where all the hard work ends up getting fcuked over, is when one has got the wrong professional people helping them. Every individual is different. We all function differently, mentally speaking. One's culture and background has so much to do with how well they will respond to whatever treatment / therapy they're going through. The very first professional I ever had, when I was in my pre-teens, was a man. He was extremely negative, cross and short with me - rather than try to understand where I was coming from, what made me want to take my own life. It was like having another angry parent. Being a child at the time, his approach actually scarred me - my spirit, my soul, self esteem. Later, in my late 20's, I had another professional man, but all he did was ask questions and take notes. He never spoke to me. There was never really a conversation aspect to his technique, approach. I didn't know it at the time, but what I needed was guidance, advice. Saw him for many years, then I had a relapse. After that relapse, I was introduced to a female, professional. She has been an absolute 'GOD'-send. I see her regularly. She is a breath of fresh air. I adore her so very much. So far, for the most part, I've been okay... which for me is an incredible feat in itself.
To say I'm cured, would be an out-right lie. These are demons I'm going to have to fight / deal with for the rest of my life. I too, had a period when I couldn't listen to music, read, watch tv, practice faith or anything. Slowly though, with each new day, things started to get a little better. I'm a huge music lover, and gradually returned to music... it has been really, the only 'thing' besides real, true love (not sex!), professional help and meds, that has kept me alive. It's really not a joke, but an important, massive part of me would die without it. It's proven to be the best, most effective and affective 'food' for my own heart, soul, mind, body.Mawsley, I don't know the full extent of your situation, as it isn't any of my business, and I don't like to pry... but if you ever,
ever need to let stuff out into the open, to talk, to vent, to cry, or whatever, please consider this special place, sacred space - especially if you do not have a support system in
'real' life. Though we may not be professionals, a lot of good souls float here, that would be more than happy to lend an ear and an open heart. You're not alone.
(same goes for anyone else floating here going though a dark stage in life).You mentioned that you've just begun to gradually get back into NMA's music, but I wouldn't just yet. Instead, go slowly. Start with Mr.
Sullivan's magnificent solo album
'Navigating by the Stars' first. Um, just promise to skip over the very last track on it, as it may be a bit too dark for you at this moment in time. If you don't own a proper legitimate copy of the album, you can download it from
the shop. If money is tight right now, someone uploaded it to
youtube. Its beauty and
magic will begin to make you whole again, strong again... I promise you.
Mawsley, I wish you
love, light, warmth, comfort, guidance, protection, stamina and
strength. It feels as though you are just on the cusp of coming out of the
darkness, taking
the most important, first few steps back into the
light. Hang in there... and remember, you've always got the music and this special place, sacred space, ok? Hope you do get to see NMA in some capacity this year, it'll help out
so very, very much. Take care and...
Best wishes,
8
